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Read and listen to some of Molly’s most recent posts.

Rays of Light

On a Sunday afternoon several years ago, I went to the beach for my church’s beach baptism.   The event seemed like a perfect opportunity to get in some long past due snorkeling time, so I got to the beach an hour or so beforehand to spend some time...

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Unsinkable

Many years ago, I asked my mother how she decided on my name.  In great anticipation, I waited for some profound meaning or story. Instead, the answer was a disappointment.  “Oh, I don’t remember! You were the 4th kid!” My heart sank. Even my own mother couldn’t remember what was...

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Tammy Trent – Triumph Through Tragedy

Christian recording artist, author and speaker, Tammy Trent, joins Molly Messer to candidly share her testimony of the power of God’s restoration, healing, and hope after the tragic death of her husband while on a mission trip. After stepping away from her career for a year, Tammy returned to the stage as...

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Learning to Fly

I love watching things “happen” in nature. When I owned a home, I planted various types of trees, shrubs and flowering plants in my yard to attract wildlife, particularly butterflies and birds.  Outside my kitchen window, I strategically placed bird feeders and nectar plants so that I could see any...

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Riding the Tides of Bipolar

I have been fascinated with the sea for as long as I can remember. So much so, that at the age of 4, I proclaimed to my dad that I would be a marine biologist when I grew up. I am not sure that he remembered that moment, but...

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Mental Illness and Stigma

I have bipolar disorder (manic depressive illness) and am very open and transparent about it. It is not a character defect, it is a brain illness. Yet, society still looks upon mental illness with condescension and judgment. This is wrong. While I realize that I may not be able...

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Twilight

“It’s almost dark; twilight.” my dad said as he gazed out the window from his hospital bed. I waited for him to say something more. There was always a purpose behind what he said. “Do you know what twilight is?” he asked. “Hmmm?” I replied and his lesson began. As the dim light...

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resurrection fern

Life Lessons from a Fern

I recently spent a long weekend with a friend in her new home. When I arrived I was thrilled to see all the beautiful trees and birds in her yard. Majestic live oaks and tall pine trees; cardinals and blue jays – I was in my element. I quickly...

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Trigger

TRIGGER A word A look Silence Forgotten in my thoughts Imprinted In my core Branded For life Your words spoke death Your looks stole my soul Your silence stifled hope I closed my heart Never again I promised Then forgot Words of death Still live in my soul Looks...

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Hijacker

I am sorry that the things that I struggle with mentally make you upset to the point that you feel I should be ashamed about something that I very little control over. Think of it this way, my brain hijacks me – it does whatever the heck it wants...

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Mental Illness and Stigma

I have bipolar disorder (manic depressive illness) and am very open and transparent about it. It is not a character defect, it is a brain illness. Yet, society still looks upon mental illness with condescension and judgment. This is wrong.

While I realize that I may not be able to change the world by writing one blog, I can try to change some of that stigma by sharing some of my own thoughts – from the perspective of someone who has a mental illness.

First of all, the key to shifting the paradigm of societal misperceptions about mental illness is to recognize the very simple truth that, in most cases, it is caused by a natural dysfunction of the brain. The brain is an organ in our bodies, as are the heart, lungs, liver, and pancreas. It is the ONE organ that the medical field understands the least yet, it controls everything about us; our speech, our behavior, our thought process, our physical movement, and our emotions.  Herein lies part of the problem, because the brain controls these vital parts of our lives, we see the symptoms in a way that causes others to fear, to judge, and to misunderstand.

With that fact in mind – that mental illness is actually a “brain” illness – here is an analogy that may provide a little insight. Imagine that I have cirrhosis of the liver and that everyone could see that diseased organ. A diseased liver is a hideous sight, so most people would automatically be uncomfortable, repulsed, look away, and perhaps be fearful of me; they would  perhaps focus on how it looks more than what I have. No one (except a doctor or coroner) wants to see such a horrible thing – it is uncomfortable, it evokes emotions that are negative and eventually results in a negative response from people.

How is a brain illness different? You may be able to come up with all sorts of reasons why, but here is more food for thought.  Think about what types of brain illness are considered more “socially acceptable” – Alzheimer’s, dementia, PTSD, autism, ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia, Traumatic Brain Illness, and learning disabilities. In response to these examples, one might say they cannot help it; “something” caused those brain illnesses.

“Something” also causes brain illnesses such as depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, mood disorders, schizophrenia and various other types of mental illnesses. Although not completely understood, they are recognized by the medical field to be caused or influenced by things such as genetics, trauma, natural changes in brain chemistry and substance abuse. Again I ask, how are these different from the “socially acceptable” brain illnesses that are referenced above?

Like it or not, society must begin to recognize mental illness for what it is – an illness of the brain. I recognize that stigma about mental illness exists and will for some time, but it is only by being transparent and informing others about it that this stigma will be reduced.

People who do not have a brain illness, will never fully understand, but are those who do have such illnesses beyond some level of human compassion? Everyone is affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly themselves, through a relationship or just by the “strange” person wandering the streets lost in their own mind.  Many people with brain  illnesses do not have a voice simply because they are so ill, which is why it is so important to be a voice for them.

Finally, consider this. Many of the things that we experience and have today, would not exist were it not for people with brain illnesses.  You see, people with some of these conditions also have an amazing ability to create, to write, to compose, to imagine the impossible, and to think critically – to change and affect society in positive ways. Here a just a few people with mental illness who have contributed to life as we know it:

POETS

Emily Dickinson
T.S. Elliot
Victor Hugo
Walt Whitman
Edgar Allen Poe

WRITERS

Hans Christian Anderson
John Bunyan
Charles Dickens
Isak Dinesen
Ralph Waldo Emerson
William Faulkner
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Herman Melville
Tennessee Williams
Ernest Hemingway

COMPOSERS/MUSICIANS

Sergey Rachmaninoff
Peter Tchaikovski
Irving Berlin
Cole Porter
Elton John

ARTISTS

Vincent Van Gogh
Paul Gauguin
Michelangelo
Georgia O’Keeffe
Jackson Pollack

OTHERS

Leonardo Da Vinci
Isaac Newton
Abraham Lincoln
Charles Darwin
Thomas Edison
Albert Einstein
Walt Disney
Buzz Aldrin
Robin Williams

So, the next time you think of “mental” illness, think of some of these people and the contribution that they have made to our world. God created them in an amazing way so that they can help us see and understand our world in unique and wonderful ways.

Would you show them any less respect? Would you turn away if one of them were someone that you loved? Would you reach out to them if they were on the verge of committing suicide or carrying out a horrific act? Would you have any less compassion for them? My prayer is that the answer is no.

If you have a mental illness, you have probably experienced stigma, as have I. My opinion is this, if someone places stigma on me because of my mental illness, then he or she probably should not be around me; I don’t want that to interfere with how I live my life. Just like any other human being, I deserve compassion and acceptance, not judgment and disdain.  This will likely result in people I love and care about turning away from me because they do not understand.

I will not allow that to bring me down, cause me question God as to why He made me this way, or think less of myself.  I have lived that life and refuse to do so anymore.  I am unique, wonderful and worth knowing and loving – with or without my illness.

Psalm 139:13: “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it.”

Twilight

“It’s almost dark; twilight.” my dad said as he gazed out the window from his hospital bed. I waited for him to say something more. There was always a purpose behind what he said. “Do you know what twilight is?” he asked. “Hmmm?” I replied and his lesson began. As the dim light faded into night, he told me that twilight is that period of time after the rising or setting of the sun when one sees the stars most clearly. It is the best time to take a navigational bearing to ensure that you are on the right course. “Do you know the difference between morning and evening twilight?” he quizzed me. I admitted that I did not. In fact, I didn’t even know that there were two “types” of twilight. Sensing something profound was about to come from him, I leaned in and listened intently.  I wanted to glean as much wisdom as I could. The time of his passing was coming near. He continued his lesson and I learned that “evening twilight” is the optimal time to take bearings because there are more stars visible.  At the end of his lesson, he paused.   Then, pointing his finger at me, he said, “Remember that! You might need it some day.” I looked at him, he winked and the lesson was over.  Given the conversation that we had about twilight only a few weeks before, it seemed only appropriate that he passed from this world to the next through the veil of morning twilight. Since that morning, I have remembered our conversation many times, although, probably not with as many details as he would have wanted. What continues to nudge at my heart is that “twilight” is when we see the most clearly; that moment that we can get our bearings and continue on a right course. There is clarity in the twilight between life and death; in those brief moments as one event transitions into another – when the weight of your life hangs in the delicate balance between mortal and immortal. By that time, one is a seasoned sailor and the significance of everything you do and say is so much greater.  It is easier to find meaning in each moment;  there are so few left. Although it seems odd, I found great clarity in those last “twilight” weeks between my father’s life and death.  Perhaps it is because I was only dealing with one event at a time.  But in the transition between of his death and the continuation of my life, I struggled to find “twilight” clarity. You see, after my dad passed away, my life had been in a constant state of transition. A seemingly never-ending sequence of compounding events tossed and tumbled me like waves of the sea.  I tried to stay afloat while moving from one event to the next  but having missed the twilight, I was unable to take new bearings.  I was drifting off course – uncertain of my direction and purpose.

I wish that I could say that I quickly dug deep into my faith and found something to hold on to; but the truth is that I had been drowning in my tears of brokenness. But at the moment that it seemed as though I could no longer stay afloat, my heavenly Daddy stepped in to buoy me up and to set me back on course.

The words to a hymn called Solid Rock rose to the surface of my mind:

“When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace. In every high and stormy gale, My Anchor holds within the veil.” No matter how many more unexpected transitions hit me, the one thing that will never change is the goodness and grace of God. It is a lesson that I have re-learned many times, but now I have a “twilight” perspective – a moment of clarity. I am reminded that in that moment of clarity, if I just look up instead of around me, I can get my bearings, reset my course and move forward again. “We have this hope as an anchor or the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19

Life Lessons from a Fern

I recently spent a long weekend with a friend in her new home. When I arrived I was thrilled to see all the beautiful trees and birds in her yard. Majestic live oaks and tall pine trees; cardinals and blue jays – I was in my element. I quickly spotted one of my favorite plants covering the sturdy branches of a very old live oak tree – the resurrection fern.  Recent rains had brought many of these little ferns back to life after a dry winter.

One of the reasons that I love this little fern is because it has an amazing ability to overcome the harsh conditions of winter. How does it do that? It dies – or at least appears to be dead. The dry air of winter desiccates the fronds of the fern; they shrivel and become brown, giving the appearance of death.

Appearances can be deceiving. To the untrained eye, these little plants appear to be dead; however, they are anything BUT that. Indeed, with just a little bit of rain or humidity, they spring forth from apparent death into refreshing life.

I am enamored by this little plant because it provides the perfect analogy of the difficult times in my life and my daily struggle with mental illness. Depression, anxiety and relentless mood swings easily overwhelm me and seem to suck the very life out of me. Much like those desiccated ferns, my hope dries up and I feel like I have become lifeless. The harsh conditions bring me to a place where all seems lost.

Through the lens of mental illness, death appears to be much more inviting than the pain of living through these hopeless dry seasons. Naturally, from that dry place of hopelessness, it is not difficult to come to a point of desiring nothing but death.

In Ezekiel 37, God brings the prophet to the Valley of Dry Bones – a place of death and complete hopelessness. The purpose of bringing him to such a place was so that God could show Ezekiel that even from such places of death and despair, life can be brought forth.  Even when all we see seems to be dead, like that little resurrection fern, God has the power to raise new life from the most hopeless conditions.

The most difficult hurdle of mental illness is seeing outside of the mire that we are in – finding hope in the apparent hopelessness of our circumstances. Today, I am here, on the side of life, to encourage you that there IS hope. The power of healing rain is on the way and new life will spring forth for you.

Ezekiel 37:5 – “This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.”

  Photo credit: https://alchetron.com/Pleopeltis-polypodioides#-

Trigger

TRIGGER

A word
A look
Silence

Forgotten
in my thoughts
Imprinted
In my core

Branded
For life

Your words spoke death
Your looks stole my soul
Your silence stifled hope
I closed my heart

Never again
I promised
Then forgot

Words of death
Still live in my soul
Looks from thieves
Still steal my spirit

Silence seems right
Silence seems acceptable
Silence seems bearable
To you

But silence
Still wounds my heart
Still breaks my spirit
Still suffocates my hope

Silence is death
Silence is disapproval
I have done wrong

Fight rises
From the deep

I reach
I strain
I submit

Silence wins
I lose

Molly Messer
January 22, 2018

Hijacker

I am sorry that the things that I struggle with mentally make you upset to the point that you feel I should be ashamed about something that I very little control over.

Think of it this way, my brain hijacks me – it does whatever the heck it wants and I am along for the VERY wild and uncomfortable ride. When the ride stops and the hijacker leaves, I have to deal with the aftermath.

I have been hijacked AND that there are a lot of broken pieces I have to try to pick up and somehow fix. I know it. I am distressed by it and what it has caused. Even more so because I have no control over it.

I try to make amends. I try to explain it. Those that the hijacker hurt need to know that it wasn’t REALLY me; that the hijacker did it, but no one sees the hijacker – they only see me.

 I’m sorry that my struggle with mental illness is a problem for you. It’s a problem for me too. I can’t EVER get away from it or how it wreaks havoc in my life.

I have to try to keep it ALL together, ALL the time, because one misstep could lead to me losing a friend and I don’t have that many.

I am sorry that when I struggle to keep it ALL together, ALL the time and I can’t, I create a “problem” (or am perhaps perceived as a problem).

I am sorry that it has been happening A LOT lately. I am DESPERATELY working with several doctors to figure out WHY things have suddenly shifted. I don’t KNOW what ELSE I can do.

I wish I could see the hijacker sooner. With your help, now I am able to see that my moods are swinging.

Hypomania manifests itself as insomnia, irritability and yes, paranoia.

I isolate because of what happens to the ones I love when I am not stable. I do not enjoy causing strife, division, difficulty – I HATE IT.

I don’t like “needing” people  because of what happens in my times of instability. I see what the “hijacker” is doing and can’t stop it or even warn anyone because often times, I don’t see it – until it’s too late. 

These are the times when EVERYTHING in me is telling me to isolate because I see what it’s doing to you and my other friends; however, I know that is EXACTLY what I should NOT do. This is yet another battle I am fighting. 

Thank you for how patient you have been to me – it is beyond what most people would do. It is HOW I know you love me. It is also how I know HOW MUCH you love me. I know it’s difficult to love me and be patient with me when I am this way. 

I wish that I could see the hijacker when he is coming so I could be better prepared. 

manic hijacker
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