I am sorry that the things that I struggle with mentally make you upset to the point that you feel I should be ashamed about something that I very little control over.

Think of it this way, my brain hijacks me – it does whatever the heck it wants and I am along for the VERY wild and uncomfortable ride. When the ride stops and the hijacker leaves, I have to deal with the aftermath.

I have been hijacked AND that there are a lot of broken pieces I have to try to pick up and somehow fix. I know it. I am distressed by it and what it has caused. Even more so because I have no control over it.

I try to make amends. I try to explain it. Those that the hijacker hurt need to know that it wasn’t REALLY me; that the hijacker did it, but no one sees the hijacker – they only see me.

 I’m sorry that my struggle with mental illness is a problem for you. It’s a problem for me too. I can’t EVER get away from it or how it wreaks havoc in my life.

I have to try to keep it ALL together, ALL the time, because one misstep could lead to me losing a friend and I don’t have that many.

I am sorry that when I struggle to keep it ALL together, ALL the time and I can’t, I create a “problem” (or am perhaps perceived as a problem).

I am sorry that it has been happening A LOT lately. I am DESPERATELY working with several doctors to figure out WHY things have suddenly shifted. I don’t KNOW what ELSE I can do.

I wish I could see the hijacker sooner. With your help, now I am able to see that my moods are swinging.

Hypomania manifests itself as insomnia, irritability and yes, paranoia.

I isolate because of what happens to the ones I love when I am not stable. I do not enjoy causing strife, division, difficulty – I HATE IT.

I don’t like “needing” people  because of what happens in my times of instability. I see what the “hijacker” is doing and can’t stop it or even warn anyone because often times, I don’t see it – until it’s too late. 

These are the times when EVERYTHING in me is telling me to isolate because I see what it’s doing to you and my other friends; however, I know that is EXACTLY what I should NOT do. This is yet another battle I am fighting. 

Thank you for how patient you have been to me – it is beyond what most people would do. It is HOW I know you love me. It is also how I know HOW MUCH you love me. I know it’s difficult to love me and be patient with me when I am this way. 

I wish that I could see the hijacker when he is coming so I could be better prepared.