TRIGGER
A word
A look
Silence
Forgotten
in my thoughts
Imprinted
In my core
Branded
For life
Your words spoke death
Your looks stole my soul
Your silence stifled hope
I closed my heart
Never again
I promised
Then forgot
Words of death
Still live in my soul
Looks from thieves
Still steal my spirit
Silence seems right
Silence seems acceptable
Silence seems bearable
To you
But silence
Still wounds my heart
Still breaks my spirit
Still suffocates my hope
Silence is death
Silence is disapproval
I have done wrong
Fight rises
From the deep
I reach
I strain
I submit
Silence wins
I lose
Molly Messer
January 22, 2018
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Hijacker
I am sorry that the things that I struggle with mentally make you upset to the point that you feel I should be ashamed about something that I very little control over.
Think of it this way, my brain hijacks me – it does whatever the heck it wants and I am along for the VERY wild and uncomfortable ride. When the ride stops and the hijacker leaves, I have to deal with the aftermath.
I have been hijacked AND that there are a lot of broken pieces I have to try to pick up and somehow fix. I know it. I am distressed by it and what it has caused. Even more so because I have no control over it.
I try to make amends. I try to explain it. Those that the hijacker hurt need to know that it wasn’t REALLY me; that the hijacker did it, but no one sees the hijacker – they only see me.
I’m sorry that my struggle with mental illness is a problem for you. It’s a problem for me too. I can’t EVER get away from it or how it wreaks havoc in my life.
I have to try to keep it ALL together, ALL the time, because one misstep could lead to me losing a friend and I don’t have that many.
I am sorry that when I struggle to keep it ALL together, ALL the time and I can’t, I create a “problem” (or am perhaps perceived as a problem).
I am sorry that it has been happening A LOT lately. I am DESPERATELY working with several doctors to figure out WHY things have suddenly shifted. I don’t KNOW what ELSE I can do.
I wish I could see the hijacker sooner. With your help, now I am able to see that my moods are swinging.
Hypomania manifests itself as insomnia, irritability and yes, paranoia.
I isolate because of what happens to the ones I love when I am not stable. I do not enjoy causing strife, division, difficulty – I HATE IT.
I don’t like “needing” people because of what happens in my times of instability. I see what the “hijacker” is doing and can’t stop it or even warn anyone because often times, I don’t see it – until it’s too late.
These are the times when EVERYTHING in me is telling me to isolate because I see what it’s doing to you and my other friends; however, I know that is EXACTLY what I should NOT do. This is yet another battle I am fighting.
Thank you for how patient you have been to me – it is beyond what most people would do. It is HOW I know you love me. It is also how I know HOW MUCH you love me. I know it’s difficult to love me and be patient with me when I am this way.
I wish that I could see the hijacker when he is coming so I could be better prepared.
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Mental Illness and Stigma
I have bipolar disorder (manic depressive illness) and am very open and transparent about it. It is not a character defect, it is a brain illness. Yet, society still looks upon mental illness with condescension and judgment. This is wrong.
While I realize that I may not be able to change the world by writing one blog, I can try to change some of that stigma by sharing some of my own thoughts – from the perspective of someone who has a mental illness.
First of all, the key to shifting the paradigm of societal misperceptions about mental illness is to recognize the very simple truth that, in most cases, it is caused by a natural dysfunction of the brain. The brain is an organ in our bodies, as are the heart, lungs, liver, and pancreas. It is the ONE organ that the medical field understands the least yet, it controls everything about us; our speech, our behavior, our thought process, our physical movement, and our emotions. Herein lies part of the problem, because the brain controls these vital parts of our lives, we see the symptoms in a way that causes others to fear, to judge, and to misunderstand.
With that fact in mind – that mental illness is actually a “brain” illness – here is an analogy that may provide a little insight. Imagine that I have cirrhosis of the liver and that everyone could see that diseased organ. A diseased liver is a hideous sight, so most people would automatically be uncomfortable, repulsed, look away, and perhaps be fearful of me; they would perhaps focus on how it looks more than what I have. No one (except a doctor or coroner) wants to see such a horrible thing – it is uncomfortable, it evokes emotions that are negative and eventually results in a negative response from people.
How is a brain illness different? You may be able to come up with all sorts of reasons why, but here is more food for thought. Think about what types of brain illness are considered more “socially acceptable” – Alzheimer’s, dementia, PTSD, autism, ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia, Traumatic Brain Illness, and learning disabilities. In response to these examples, one might say they cannot help it; “something” caused those brain illnesses.
“Something” also causes brain illnesses such as depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, mood disorders, schizophrenia and various other types of mental illnesses. Although not completely understood, they are recognized by the medical field to be caused or influenced by things such as genetics, trauma, natural changes in brain chemistry and substance abuse. Again I ask, how are these different from the “socially acceptable” brain illnesses that are referenced above?
Like it or not, society must begin to recognize mental illness for what it is – an illness of the brain. I recognize that stigma about mental illness exists and will for some time, but it is only by being transparent and informing others about it that this stigma will be reduced.
People who do not have a brain illness, will never fully understand, but are those who do have such illnesses beyond some level of human compassion? Everyone is affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly themselves, through a relationship or just by the “strange” person wandering the streets lost in their own mind. Many people with brain illnesses do not have a voice simply because they are so ill, which is why it is so important to be a voice for them.
Finally, consider this. Many of the things that we experience and have today, would not exist were it not for people with brain illnesses. You see, people with some of these conditions also have an amazing ability to create, to write, to compose, to imagine the impossible, and to think critically – to change and affect society in positive ways. Here a just a few people with mental illness who have contributed to life as we know it:
POETS
Emily Dickinson
T.S. Elliot
Victor Hugo
Walt Whitman
Edgar Allen PoeWRITERS
Hans Christian Anderson
John Bunyan
Charles Dickens
Isak Dinesen
Ralph Waldo Emerson
William Faulkner
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Herman Melville
Tennessee Williams
Ernest HemingwayCOMPOSERS/MUSICIANS
Sergey Rachmaninoff
Peter Tchaikovski
Irving Berlin
Cole Porter
Elton JohnARTISTS
Vincent Van Gogh
Paul Gauguin
Michelangelo
Georgia O’Keeffe
Jackson PollackOTHERS
Leonardo Da Vinci
Isaac Newton
Abraham Lincoln
Charles Darwin
Thomas Edison
Albert Einstein
Walt Disney
Buzz Aldrin
Robin WilliamsSo, the next time you think of “mental” illness, think of some of these people and the contribution that they have made to our world. God created them in an amazing way so that they can help us see and understand our world in unique and wonderful ways.
Would you show them any less respect? Would you turn away if one of them were someone that you loved? Would you reach out to them if they were on the verge of committing suicide or carrying out a horrific act? Would you have any less compassion for them? My prayer is that the answer is no.
If you have a mental illness, you have probably experienced stigma, as have I. My opinion is this, if someone places stigma on me because of my mental illness, then he or she probably should not be around me; I don’t want that to interfere with how I live my life. Just like any other human being, I deserve compassion and acceptance, not judgment and disdain. This will likely result in people I love and care about turning away from me because they do not understand.
I will not allow that to bring me down, cause me question God as to why He made me this way, or think less of myself. I have lived that life and refuse to do so anymore. I am unique, wonderful and worth knowing and loving – with or without my illness.
Psalm 139:13: “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it.”
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Riding the Tides of Bipolar
I have been fascinated with the sea for as long as I can remember. So much so, that at the age of 4, I proclaimed to my dad that I would be a marine biologist when I grew up. I am not sure that he remembered that moment, but my proclamation became a reality by the time I was 21.
The ocean is rich in every way imaginable, but lately; it has been the cyclical tides that have me the most captivated. What a better way to describe the shifting moods of bipolar disorder; the mental illness that I live with daily?
Although the ocean tides seem predictable, they are not. They vary in intensity and height based on location, time of year and situation. They are not the same everywhere. Tides are much more complex than one would think, as is bipolar disorder.
Bipolar disorder was formerly known as manic-depressive illness, which in some ways is a more accurate description. The term bipolar is deceiving because it implies that there are just two parts to it – the high and the low. However, what many do not know is that there are an infinite number of degrees between the two.Much like the tides of the ocean, there are always cycles in bipolar and while there may seem to be a beginning and end, there are many stages between. The connections between the highs and lows are complex and manifest in different ways in different people. The full cycle while similar is seldom the same, even in the very same person.
Lately, the tides of my illness have brought me to a level that I have never experienced – “rapid cycling” and “mixed” episodes. Of course, I have been through cycles of the highs and lows, but up until recently, rapid cycles and mixed episodes were not a part of the reality of my illness; or maybe I was too stressed in my life to really notice.
For me, rapid cycles entail multiple tidal shifts in one day, sometimes just hours apart. If there could be a benefit to rapid cycling, it is that I can count on the tide to shift relatively quickly; all I have to do is hang on until it turns.
Mixed episodes include the depression of the lows “mixed” with the impulsiveness of the highs. There are very few benefits of mixed episodes; they are the most deadly times for anyone with this illness. My own recent experience with these types of episodes has solidified this fact in my own mind. Truthfully, I have never, ever had to fight more to keep myself alive than in the darkest moments of these tidal shifts.
So, when the rushing tides of this illness sweep through my life, I know that my own strength is simply not enough to hold on – I absolutely need God. The fact that I have bipolar disorder will never change but as I ride the tides, I find hope in knowing that God will also never change. He is always with me, even when I cannot see Him; it’s just that sometimes fighting the tides causes me to forget.
I am also learning to accept that there will be some times that are more difficult for me than others. In spite of that, I have a renewed hope. I have come to believe that God designed me for a very specific purpose – to provide some level of understanding and acceptance where others may not have the same insight.
For those who are riding the tides of bipolar or another mood disorder, I encourage you to seek out help and support, as often and as much as necessary. KNOW that God loves you equally as much in the dark times as in the light. He is always there right by your side, even when you cannot see Him. He has a plan for your life and it is one of great significance that cannot be completed without you. So hold on when the tides shift – there is hope.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there you hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” ~ Psalm 139:7-10
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