I recently spent a long weekend with a friend in her new home. When I arrived I was thrilled to see all the beautiful trees and birds in her yard. Majestic live oaks and tall pine trees; cardinals and blue jays – I was in my element. I quickly spotted one of my favorite plants covering the sturdy branches of a very old live oak tree – the resurrection fern. Recent rains had brought many of these little ferns back to life after a dry winter.
One of the reasons that I love this little fern is because it has an amazing ability to overcome the harsh conditions of winter. How does it do that? It dies – or at least appears to be dead. The dry air of winter desiccates the fronds of the fern; they shrivel and become brown, giving the appearance of death.
Appearances can be deceiving. To the untrained eye, these little plants appear to be dead; however, they are anything BUT that. Indeed, with just a little bit of rain or humidity, they spring forth from apparent death into refreshing life.
I am enamored by this little plant because it provides the perfect analogy of the difficult times in my life and my daily struggle with mental illness. Depression, anxiety and relentless mood swings easily overwhelm me and seem to suck the very life out of me. Much like those desiccated ferns, my hope dries up and I feel like I have become lifeless. The harsh conditions bring me to a place where all seems lost.
Through the lens of mental illness, death appears to be much more inviting than the pain of living through these hopeless dry seasons. Naturally, from that dry place of hopelessness, it is not difficult to come to a point of desiring nothing but death.
In Ezekiel 37, God brings the prophet to the Valley of Dry Bones – a place of death and complete hopelessness. The purpose of bringing him to such a place was so that God could show Ezekiel that even from such places of death and despair, life can be brought forth. Even when all we see seems to be dead, like that little resurrection fern, God has the power to raise new life from the most hopeless conditions.
The most difficult hurdle of mental illness is seeing outside of the mire that we are in – finding hope in the apparent hopelessness of our circumstances. Today, I am here, on the side of life, to encourage you that there IS hope. The power of healing rain is on the way and new life will spring forth for you.
Ezekiel 37:5 – “This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.”
Photo credit: https://alchetron.com/Pleopeltis-polypodioides#-
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Rays of Light
On a Sunday afternoon several years ago, I went to the beach for my church’s beach baptism. The event seemed like a perfect opportunity to get in some long past due snorkeling time, so I got to the beach an hour or so beforehand to spend some time alone in the water. Some things had been weighing heavily on my mind and heart and I needed some time to search for peace.
Being a marine biologist, snorkeling and diving gives me great joy. There are very few things I find more peaceful than gliding through the water listening to the rhythmic sound of life eminating from the creatures of the ocean. I feel as though I am in my element.
This particular beach is one of my favorite snorkeling spots because drifting with the strong current as it sweeps parallel with the shore can give you the sensation of flying through the water. The currents and water clarity often attract a greater variety of creatures than would be typically found in the water off a beach.
In great anticipation of my “water time”, I put on my fins and headed out to deeper water where the lush seagrass carpets the bottom. I swam south against the current so that farther up the beach I could turn around and drift with the current back to where I started.
One of the most magnificent things that I had ever seen at this beach was a school of 5 spotted eagle rays; but that was years ago and although schooling fish may frequent an area for awhile, their transient nature left no guarantees of repeat performances. Still, each time I snorkeled there, I hoped that I might see some again.
This particular day while snorkeling, I saw some interesting things; a jawfish tidying up the “front porch” of its burrow, an urchin with unusually artistic camouflage composed of sponges and coral, and quite a few snappers darting around. Knowing that I had limited time to spend in the water, I looked impatiently for something really fantastic before I had to get out, but it didn’t show up.
Feeling disappointment setting in, I turned around and started to head back to shore; drifting with the current and taking my time to look around as I “flew” over the seagrass. Although the snorkeling was a good distraction, my heart was still weighed down with burden. I prayed that God would make His presence known to me; I really needed to feel Him close that day.
With those eagle rays in the back of my mind, I challenged God to show Himself to me in a clear and tangible way. In my mind I told Him that I needed to see Him in THAT specific way, “…let me see an eagle ray today God.”
I continued on my way back to shore getting into shallower waters, where one would not typically see an eagle ray; not believing that God would actually rise to the challenge. The closer I got to shore, the more disappointed I felt. “God, you let me down again.” I complained in my heart.
Then, just a few minutes after I prayed, I looked to my left and saw a “poof” in the seagrass below and a trail of bubbles heading north, running with the current. This was a tell-tale sign that something was just there, so I started to look for it. I followed the trail a bit and as I looked ahead of me, I saw it; an eagle ray! I began to follow it, drinking in its graceful, seemingly effortless movement through the water. Suspended in the current, I watched in awe when suddenly another one came up next to me on the left and followed the first one, heading down current.
Now I was really excited, and as I continued to swim with the first one, the second one banked off to the left. As I watched the second eagle ray turn away, I saw yet ANOTHER eagle ray at the edge of the visibility zone, turning around and heading south into the current! Giving a couple of swift kicks, I followed the first one that I spotted for a little bit longer as it swam off into the distance.
That day, I challenged God and at the point when my unbelief began to overwhelm me, He showed me how weak my faith was. In those moments of disappointment, I gave up on God, but He did not give up on me. Instead, God made His presence known to me in a very real and personal way. Not only had He given me the gift of one eagle ray, but He delighted me with the presence of three; the perfect number to drive His point home. God, the Father, was with me and He reminded me with the the second and third eagle rays that Jesus, His Son, and the Holy Spirit were there as well. Those three eagle rays were like rays of sunlight into my troubled world, rejuvenating my weary soul.
I was amazed and stunned at the goodness of God, as if I didn’t already know about it. Once again, He made me keenly aware of how deeply He loves me by showing me a glimpse of His glory. As I watched that last eagle ray disappear into the blue-green landscape, I could see praise trailing from its wingtips as it “flew” through the water.
I believe that if God were to show us all of the incredible things about Himself, we would be crippled and blinded by the sight. Instead, God shows us His glory in glimpses, so that we might get just a taste of how awesome He is.
“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is that man who takes refuge in him.” Psalm 34:8
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Riding the Tides of Bipolar
I have been fascinated with the sea for as long as I can remember. So much so, that at the age of 4, I proclaimed to my dad that I would be a marine biologist when I grew up. I am not sure that he remembered that moment, but my proclamation became a reality by the time I was 21.
The ocean is rich in every way imaginable, but lately; it has been the cyclical tides that have me the most captivated. What a better way to describe the shifting moods of bipolar disorder; the mental illness that I live with daily?
Although the ocean tides seem predictable, they are not. They vary in intensity and height based on location, time of year and situation. They are not the same everywhere. Tides are much more complex than one would think, as is bipolar disorder.
Bipolar disorder was formerly known as manic-depressive illness, which in some ways is a more accurate description. The term bipolar is deceiving because it implies that there are just two parts to it – the high and the low. However, what many do not know is that there are an infinite number of degrees between the two.Much like the tides of the ocean, there are always cycles in bipolar and while there may seem to be a beginning and end, there are many stages between. The connections between the highs and lows are complex and manifest in different ways in different people. The full cycle while similar is seldom the same, even in the very same person.
Lately, the tides of my illness have brought me to a level that I have never experienced – “rapid cycling” and “mixed” episodes. Of course, I have been through cycles of the highs and lows, but up until recently, rapid cycles and mixed episodes were not a part of the reality of my illness; or maybe I was too stressed in my life to really notice.
For me, rapid cycles entail multiple tidal shifts in one day, sometimes just hours apart. If there could be a benefit to rapid cycling, it is that I can count on the tide to shift relatively quickly; all I have to do is hang on until it turns.
Mixed episodes include the depression of the lows “mixed” with the impulsiveness of the highs. There are very few benefits of mixed episodes; they are the most deadly times for anyone with this illness. My own recent experience with these types of episodes has solidified this fact in my own mind. Truthfully, I have never, ever had to fight more to keep myself alive than in the darkest moments of these tidal shifts.
So, when the rushing tides of this illness sweep through my life, I know that my own strength is simply not enough to hold on – I absolutely need God. The fact that I have bipolar disorder will never change but as I ride the tides, I find hope in knowing that God will also never change. He is always with me, even when I cannot see Him; it’s just that sometimes fighting the tides causes me to forget.
I am also learning to accept that there will be some times that are more difficult for me than others. In spite of that, I have a renewed hope. I have come to believe that God designed me for a very specific purpose – to provide some level of understanding and acceptance where others may not have the same insight.
For those who are riding the tides of bipolar or another mood disorder, I encourage you to seek out help and support, as often and as much as necessary. KNOW that God loves you equally as much in the dark times as in the light. He is always there right by your side, even when you cannot see Him. He has a plan for your life and it is one of great significance that cannot be completed without you. So hold on when the tides shift – there is hope.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there you hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” ~ Psalm 139:7-10
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Learning to Fly
I love watching things “happen” in nature. When I owned a home, I planted various types of trees, shrubs and flowering plants in my yard to attract wildlife, particularly butterflies and birds. Outside my kitchen window, I strategically placed bird feeders and nectar plants so that I could see any activity from my vantage point next to the sink. During the winter months, when all of the birds migrated down to Florida from the north, the feeders were particularly busy. I would watch various species of birds come and go as the months passed. Being a biologist to the core, each time I spotted something I didn’t recognize, I pulled out my bird field guide to identify it. One of the more common species of bird that I used to see at my feeders were red cardinals. Without fail every winter and sometimes throughout the summer, I saw at least one pair consistently at the feeder. One season, I watched a pair for what seemed like months come and go to the feeders. Then one day, in a small flowering tree a few feet from the feeder, I noticed an unfamiliar face. It looked like a cardinal, but it was ruffled and somewhat chunky. It only took a minute or two for me to realize that it was a young fledgling, waiting as its mother went to the feeder and returned with seed. The fledgling wasn’t quite able to fly yet, so it awkwardly jumped from branch to branch working its way around. I could hardly contain the excitement I felt seeing this new addition to the “neighborhood” and felt honored that God would let me watch the interaction between the mother and the young fledgling. Over the next few days and weeks, I eagerly watched through the kitchen window looking for more signs of the fledgling’s development. I saw the male and female cardinal come to the feeder and the fledgling become more familiar with its wings. One day, I noticed the male cardinal fly up to my neighbor’s roof, which was just beyond the fence where the feeder was hanging – about 15-20 feet above the ground. I watched for what seemed like forever as the fledgling made over a dozen feeble attempts to follow. Eventually, it was able to “stair step” its way up to the roof through a series of short flying bursts on shrubs and branches resting as it slowly worked its way up to meet the male cardinal. Once the fledgling made it to the roof, the male cardinal began to display an unusual behavior. He went to the backside of the pitched roof and jumped straight up into the wind, which was gusting over the peak. While in the air, being buffeted by the wind, he flapped his wings several times to maintain vertical height and then dropped back down on the backside of the peak. I was intrigued about this display and became even more interested in watching as I had never seen that type of behavior before. The male cardinal repeated this behavior several times in a row while the young fledgling rested on the roof nearby. To my surprise, the fledgling began to imitate the behavior of the male cardinal; jumping up, flapping its wings in the wind that was gusting over the peak of the roof and then dropping back down. In one of those “Ah-ha!” moments, I realized what was happening; the male cardinal was teaching the fledgling how to fly by using the wind to strengthen its wings. Just as I came to the realization of what I was seeing, the female cardinal arrived at the “training ground”; resting and watching. Wow! I felt as if I was visually eavesdropping on the cardinal family, but at the same time, I was completely overwhelmed by the privilege of seeing this important step toward the fledgling learning to fly. What an amazing picture of how God strengthens us in our faith! As “fledgling” Christians, we work hard to simply balance and get used to the wings that we have received from Christ. As with the fledgling, we have within us an innate knowledge that they have a greater purpose; we know that we are meant to really fly. As we face trials and difficulties in life, we look to other Christians who are “older” in the faith to mentor us and show us how to fly. However, we not only learn by watching, but also by doing. Each time the gusting winds of trial blow across the roof, we are tested in our faith. That testing requires that we use all of the strength we can muster; jumping up and facing the wind head-on. Still, the strength that we have within us is not enough. It may help us to take flight initially but we need “God-sized strength” to carry us through the long journey of life. We do not have strength within us to gain the altitude that God intended for us to have. The ability to soar to new heights can only come from Him. The prophet Isaiah, proclaimed God’s wisdom and truth to the people of Israel during a very stormy time in history. In Isaiah 40, he speaks of the sovereignty of God, but also of the strength that the Lord provides to those who put their hope in Him. “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; whey will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31 Isaiah Chapter 40 is entitled “Comfort for God’s people” and what a comfort it is to know that when we are tired and weary, that our strength will be renewed by simply “hoping” in the Lord. As we face the inevitable gusting winds of trials in our lives, we must test our wings by facing them head-on and hoping in the Lord. He is the only one that will give us the strength we need to soar to heights beyond our own expectations.
2 comments on Life Lessons from a Fern
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Thanks, Molly. Your words always touch my heart deeply! Keep writing. Keep living!
Beautiful Molly ❤️