I have been fascinated with the sea for as long as I can remember. So much so, that at the age of 4, I proclaimed to my dad that I would be a marine biologist when I grew up. I am not sure that he remembered that moment, but my proclamation became a reality by the time I was 21.
The ocean is rich in every way imaginable, but lately; it has been the cyclical tides that have me the most captivated. What a better way to describe the shifting moods of bipolar disorder; the mental illness that I live with daily?
Although the ocean tides seem predictable, they are not. They vary in intensity and height based on location, time of year and situation. They are not the same everywhere. Tides are much more complex than one would think, as is bipolar disorder.
Bipolar disorder was formerly known as manic-depressive illness, which in some ways is a more accurate description. The term bipolar is deceiving because it implies that there are just two parts to it – the high and the low. However, what many do not know is that there are an infinite number of degrees between the two.
Much like the tides of the ocean, there are always cycles in bipolar and while there may seem to be a beginning and end, there are many stages between. The connections between the highs and lows are complex and manifest in different ways in different people. The full cycle while similar is seldom the same, even in the very same person.
Lately, the tides of my illness have brought me to a level that I have never experienced – “rapid cycling” and “mixed” episodes. Of course, I have been through cycles of the highs and lows, but up until recently, rapid cycles and mixed episodes were not a part of the reality of my illness; or maybe I was too stressed in my life to really notice.
For me, rapid cycles entail multiple tidal shifts in one day, sometimes just hours apart. If there could be a benefit to rapid cycling, it is that I can count on the tide to shift relatively quickly; all I have to do is hang on until it turns.
Mixed episodes include the depression of the lows “mixed” with the impulsiveness of the highs. There are very few benefits of mixed episodes; they are the most deadly times for anyone with this illness. My own recent experience with these types of episodes has solidified this fact in my own mind. Truthfully, I have never, ever had to fight more to keep myself alive than in the darkest moments of these tidal shifts.
So, when the rushing tides of this illness sweep through my life, I know that my own strength is simply not enough to hold on – I absolutely need God. The fact that I have bipolar disorder will never change but as I ride the tides, I find hope in knowing that God will also never change. He is always with me, even when I cannot see Him; it’s just that sometimes fighting the tides causes me to forget.
I am also learning to accept that there will be some times that are more difficult for me than others. In spite of that, I have a renewed hope. I have come to believe that God designed me for a very specific purpose – to provide some level of understanding and acceptance where others may not have the same insight.
For those who are riding the tides of bipolar or another mood disorder, I encourage you to seek out help and support, as often and as much as necessary. KNOW that God loves you equally as much in the dark times as in the light. He is always there right by your side, even when you cannot see Him. He has a plan for your life and it is one of great significance that cannot be completed without you. So hold on when the tides shift – there is hope.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there you hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” ~ Psalm 139:7-10
-
Rays of Light
On a Sunday afternoon several years ago, I went to the beach for my church’s beach baptism. The event seemed like a perfect opportunity to get in some long past due snorkeling time, so I got to the beach an hour or so beforehand to spend some time alone in the water. Some things had been weighing heavily on my mind and heart and I needed some time to search for peace.
Being a marine biologist, snorkeling and diving gives me great joy. There are very few things I find more peaceful than gliding through the water listening to the rhythmic sound of life eminating from the creatures of the ocean. I feel as though I am in my element.
This particular beach is one of my favorite snorkeling spots because drifting with the strong current as it sweeps parallel with the shore can give you the sensation of flying through the water. The currents and water clarity often attract a greater variety of creatures than would be typically found in the water off a beach.
In great anticipation of my “water time”, I put on my fins and headed out to deeper water where the lush seagrass carpets the bottom. I swam south against the current so that farther up the beach I could turn around and drift with the current back to where I started.
One of the most magnificent things that I had ever seen at this beach was a school of 5 spotted eagle rays; but that was years ago and although schooling fish may frequent an area for awhile, their transient nature left no guarantees of repeat performances. Still, each time I snorkeled there, I hoped that I might see some again.
This particular day while snorkeling, I saw some interesting things; a jawfish tidying up the “front porch” of its burrow, an urchin with unusually artistic camouflage composed of sponges and coral, and quite a few snappers darting around. Knowing that I had limited time to spend in the water, I looked impatiently for something really fantastic before I had to get out, but it didn’t show up.
Feeling disappointment setting in, I turned around and started to head back to shore; drifting with the current and taking my time to look around as I “flew” over the seagrass. Although the snorkeling was a good distraction, my heart was still weighed down with burden. I prayed that God would make His presence known to me; I really needed to feel Him close that day.
With those eagle rays in the back of my mind, I challenged God to show Himself to me in a clear and tangible way. In my mind I told Him that I needed to see Him in THAT specific way, “…let me see an eagle ray today God.”
I continued on my way back to shore getting into shallower waters, where one would not typically see an eagle ray; not believing that God would actually rise to the challenge. The closer I got to shore, the more disappointed I felt. “God, you let me down again.” I complained in my heart.
Then, just a few minutes after I prayed, I looked to my left and saw a “poof” in the seagrass below and a trail of bubbles heading north, running with the current. This was a tell-tale sign that something was just there, so I started to look for it. I followed the trail a bit and as I looked ahead of me, I saw it; an eagle ray! I began to follow it, drinking in its graceful, seemingly effortless movement through the water. Suspended in the current, I watched in awe when suddenly another one came up next to me on the left and followed the first one, heading down current.
Now I was really excited, and as I continued to swim with the first one, the second one banked off to the left. As I watched the second eagle ray turn away, I saw yet ANOTHER eagle ray at the edge of the visibility zone, turning around and heading south into the current! Giving a couple of swift kicks, I followed the first one that I spotted for a little bit longer as it swam off into the distance.
That day, I challenged God and at the point when my unbelief began to overwhelm me, He showed me how weak my faith was. In those moments of disappointment, I gave up on God, but He did not give up on me. Instead, God made His presence known to me in a very real and personal way. Not only had He given me the gift of one eagle ray, but He delighted me with the presence of three; the perfect number to drive His point home. God, the Father, was with me and He reminded me with the the second and third eagle rays that Jesus, His Son, and the Holy Spirit were there as well. Those three eagle rays were like rays of sunlight into my troubled world, rejuvenating my weary soul.
I was amazed and stunned at the goodness of God, as if I didn’t already know about it. Once again, He made me keenly aware of how deeply He loves me by showing me a glimpse of His glory. As I watched that last eagle ray disappear into the blue-green landscape, I could see praise trailing from its wingtips as it “flew” through the water.
I believe that if God were to show us all of the incredible things about Himself, we would be crippled and blinded by the sight. Instead, God shows us His glory in glimpses, so that we might get just a taste of how awesome He is.
“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is that man who takes refuge in him.” Psalm 34:8
-
Mental Illness and Stigma
I have bipolar disorder (manic depressive illness) and am very open and transparent about it. It is not a character defect, it is a brain illness. Yet, society still looks upon mental illness with condescension and judgment. This is wrong.
While I realize that I may not be able to change the world by writing one blog, I can try to change some of that stigma by sharing some of my own thoughts – from the perspective of someone who has a mental illness.
First of all, the key to shifting the paradigm of societal misperceptions about mental illness is to recognize the very simple truth that, in most cases, it is caused by a natural dysfunction of the brain. The brain is an organ in our bodies, as are the heart, lungs, liver, and pancreas. It is the ONE organ that the medical field understands the least yet, it controls everything about us; our speech, our behavior, our thought process, our physical movement, and our emotions. Herein lies part of the problem, because the brain controls these vital parts of our lives, we see the symptoms in a way that causes others to fear, to judge, and to misunderstand.
With that fact in mind – that mental illness is actually a “brain” illness – here is an analogy that may provide a little insight. Imagine that I have cirrhosis of the liver and that everyone could see that diseased organ. A diseased liver is a hideous sight, so most people would automatically be uncomfortable, repulsed, look away, and perhaps be fearful of me; they would perhaps focus on how it looks more than what I have. No one (except a doctor or coroner) wants to see such a horrible thing – it is uncomfortable, it evokes emotions that are negative and eventually results in a negative response from people.
How is a brain illness different? You may be able to come up with all sorts of reasons why, but here is more food for thought. Think about what types of brain illness are considered more “socially acceptable” – Alzheimer’s, dementia, PTSD, autism, ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia, Traumatic Brain Illness, and learning disabilities. In response to these examples, one might say they cannot help it; “something” caused those brain illnesses.
“Something” also causes brain illnesses such as depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, mood disorders, schizophrenia and various other types of mental illnesses. Although not completely understood, they are recognized by the medical field to be caused or influenced by things such as genetics, trauma, natural changes in brain chemistry and substance abuse. Again I ask, how are these different from the “socially acceptable” brain illnesses that are referenced above?
Like it or not, society must begin to recognize mental illness for what it is – an illness of the brain. I recognize that stigma about mental illness exists and will for some time, but it is only by being transparent and informing others about it that this stigma will be reduced.
People who do not have a brain illness, will never fully understand, but are those who do have such illnesses beyond some level of human compassion? Everyone is affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly themselves, through a relationship or just by the “strange” person wandering the streets lost in their own mind. Many people with brain illnesses do not have a voice simply because they are so ill, which is why it is so important to be a voice for them.
Finally, consider this. Many of the things that we experience and have today, would not exist were it not for people with brain illnesses. You see, people with some of these conditions also have an amazing ability to create, to write, to compose, to imagine the impossible, and to think critically – to change and affect society in positive ways. Here a just a few people with mental illness who have contributed to life as we know it:
POETS
Emily Dickinson
T.S. Elliot
Victor Hugo
Walt Whitman
Edgar Allen PoeWRITERS
Hans Christian Anderson
John Bunyan
Charles Dickens
Isak Dinesen
Ralph Waldo Emerson
William Faulkner
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Herman Melville
Tennessee Williams
Ernest HemingwayCOMPOSERS/MUSICIANS
Sergey Rachmaninoff
Peter Tchaikovski
Irving Berlin
Cole Porter
Elton JohnARTISTS
Vincent Van Gogh
Paul Gauguin
Michelangelo
Georgia O’Keeffe
Jackson PollackOTHERS
Leonardo Da Vinci
Isaac Newton
Abraham Lincoln
Charles Darwin
Thomas Edison
Albert Einstein
Walt Disney
Buzz Aldrin
Robin WilliamsSo, the next time you think of “mental” illness, think of some of these people and the contribution that they have made to our world. God created them in an amazing way so that they can help us see and understand our world in unique and wonderful ways.
Would you show them any less respect? Would you turn away if one of them were someone that you loved? Would you reach out to them if they were on the verge of committing suicide or carrying out a horrific act? Would you have any less compassion for them? My prayer is that the answer is no.
If you have a mental illness, you have probably experienced stigma, as have I. My opinion is this, if someone places stigma on me because of my mental illness, then he or she probably should not be around me; I don’t want that to interfere with how I live my life. Just like any other human being, I deserve compassion and acceptance, not judgment and disdain. This will likely result in people I love and care about turning away from me because they do not understand.
I will not allow that to bring me down, cause me question God as to why He made me this way, or think less of myself. I have lived that life and refuse to do so anymore. I am unique, wonderful and worth knowing and loving – with or without my illness.
Psalm 139:13: “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it.”
-
Life Lessons from a Fern
I recently spent a long weekend with a friend in her new home. When I arrived I was thrilled to see all the beautiful trees and birds in her yard. Majestic live oaks and tall pine trees; cardinals and blue jays – I was in my element. I quickly spotted one of my favorite plants covering the sturdy branches of a very old live oak tree – the resurrection fern. Recent rains had brought many of these little ferns back to life after a dry winter.
One of the reasons that I love this little fern is because it has an amazing ability to overcome the harsh conditions of winter. How does it do that? It dies – or at least appears to be dead. The dry air of winter desiccates the fronds of the fern; they shrivel and become brown, giving the appearance of death.
Appearances can be deceiving. To the untrained eye, these little plants appear to be dead; however, they are anything BUT that. Indeed, with just a little bit of rain or humidity, they spring forth from apparent death into refreshing life.
I am enamored by this little plant because it provides the perfect analogy of the difficult times in my life and my daily struggle with mental illness. Depression, anxiety and relentless mood swings easily overwhelm me and seem to suck the very life out of me. Much like those desiccated ferns, my hope dries up and I feel like I have become lifeless. The harsh conditions bring me to a place where all seems lost.
Through the lens of mental illness, death appears to be much more inviting than the pain of living through these hopeless dry seasons. Naturally, from that dry place of hopelessness, it is not difficult to come to a point of desiring nothing but death.
In Ezekiel 37, God brings the prophet to the Valley of Dry Bones – a place of death and complete hopelessness. The purpose of bringing him to such a place was so that God could show Ezekiel that even from such places of death and despair, life can be brought forth. Even when all we see seems to be dead, like that little resurrection fern, God has the power to raise new life from the most hopeless conditions.
The most difficult hurdle of mental illness is seeing outside of the mire that we are in – finding hope in the apparent hopelessness of our circumstances. Today, I am here, on the side of life, to encourage you that there IS hope. The power of healing rain is on the way and new life will spring forth for you.
Ezekiel 37:5 – “This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.”
Photo credit: https://alchetron.com/Pleopeltis-polypodioides#-
